Unleashing My Sprinkles
How a birthday retreat inspired me to finally honor my creative soul
My birthday looked a lot different this year. Had you asked me a year ago if I could see myself celebrating my 32nd birthday with a group of 16 strangers, far away from home and out of my comfort zone, I probably would have laughed. Or quickly said no.
But alas, that’s what I was doing.
As a birthday gift to myself, I embarked on a self-exploration “quarterlife” retreat, the first time in my life I’ve ever done anything like this. Compelled by an inner calling and the serendipitous nature of it falling on my birthday, coupled with my partner’s encouragement, I decided to give this thing a shot.
While I was a bit nervous that I’d regret my decision when the time came, wishing I were in fact with my loved ones, that didn’t happen in the slightest. I felt the perfect amount of birthday love. Gracie, our wonderful chef, read us a beautiful birthday poem in my honor that morning. And the group sang me happy birthday later that evening, complete with candles atop my cheesecake slice.
What greater gift could one ask for than getting more in touch with oneself?
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The context of this retreat was based on Satya Doyle Byock’s book, Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood. In it, she theorizes that everyone falls on a spectrum between “stability types” and “meaning types.” In order to feel happy and fulfilled, one must seek their appropriate balance between the two.
As evidenced by this post I wrote back in 2016, I’m very much a stability type. (In fact, I was eerily haunted in rereading it to see how little progress I’ve made. Yet I felt validated at the same time that my inner voice is worth listening to.) One of my biggest epiphanies from the retreat was that in order to get more in touch with my meaning side, I have to start (finally) honoring that voice.
To borrow a metaphor from Satya’s book, I’ve done a great job building a beautiful, sturdy goblet that knows how to stand on its own. But it’s missing the wine that it was built to hold. In other words, there is this creative soul inside me that’s been dying to come out for a long time now.
I’ve been quick to dismiss it, instead signing up for other things and looking other places for fulfillment. But in my work on the retreat, it became really clear that that isn’t working. The only way forward is to listen to and answer that voice inside me. To remove self-judgment and let myself be vulnerable in a whole new way by allowing my inner thoughts like this out on the internet and telling my friends and family about it. Satya helped me realize that through creative expression, I must get vulnerable, take risks, and mess up. And most importantly, give myself the permission and grace to do so.
The first step in honoring my creative soul, therefore, is to proclaim it to myself.
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It felt fitting when I returned home from the retreat to discover that my partner had surprised me with a homemade birthday cake. Not just any cake—when I took the cover off to unveil it, a shriek of joy escaped me when I saw that this cake was entirely covered in rainbow sprinkles.
I was so overjoyed at this that I nearly felt I could cry. For it wasn’t just the fact that sprinkles make me smile in general (let alone that my adolescent email address has “sprinkles on top” in the name), but also that this felt like further proof of the call to listen to my creative soul.
To unleash my sprinkles, if you will.
For I finally woke up to the fact that I’m a funfetti cake, with sprinkles on the inside but struggling to show the world my sprinkles on the outside.
In fact, I think I only just realized that I’m a funfetti cake. I’ve spent a long time telling myself I’m a trusty old vanilla cake (nothing wrong with those!), usually quick to dismiss any urge I had to add some sprinkles.
I did try sprinkling some over the years, like when I teased a soon-to-be blog on my Instagram by posting the logo with a “coming soon” caption. (I lasted about 5 posts and then let the domain run its course.)
When the pandemic came, my family and I had a blog post writing showcase of sorts, which stemmed from my sprinkles again trying to show themselves.
I even published the first post for a new domain at the end of 2020, this time with a plethora of topic ideas, but never let it be known.
This time feels different though. My interest in writing has continuously revisited me and I now understand how important and exciting that is. I will no longer force the sprinkles to stay inside the batter, permitting them from ever being placed atop the frosting.
Because sprinkles deserve to be seen! Not everyone likes sprinkles (in fact, my own grandmother’s reaction to the sprinkle-covered cake was “ew! That’s a lot of sprinkles”), but I think that those who do really appreciate them for the joy that they bring.
So, this is my public promise to myself to unleash my sprinkles. Once and for all.
